WE NEED TO TALK

You get up in the morning.... don’t really remember about last night....your head is a little heavy... you check your phone... no missed calls... you have no one to call today.... you have nothing to talk about.... BANG!!! Surpriseeee.... you just broke up last night..... awwwww.....
What is a Break up?

A relationship breakup, often referred to simply as a breakup, is the termination of a usually intimate relation by any means other than death. The act is commonly termed "dumping [someone]" in slang when it is initiated by one partner.
The year 2010 was “The Great Breakup” year ... 7 out of 10 people broke up in that year. So if you were in a relation and you didn’t broke up.... NEWSFLASH!... you are getting married to them. Awwww!! Ok! Don’t be scared that wasn’t a fact.
So since last year was all about break ups, people requested me to write about it... although I don’t know anything about it but there are like 6-7 odd people who read and believe (strange!) what I write ...here is a research paper on BREAK UPS.
There are two parties involved in a breakup –
1) Dumper – The one who kicks the ass
2) Dumpee – The one whose ass gets kicked.

Types of Break ups

1) I am getting married – Ok! This one is the best..... This is the head line in your newspaper.... Dumper calls dumpee and tells them “I am getting married” ...... now you have all sorts of questions...when ...how...who...where....WHAT!!.... but trust me.....its over.... its not her Dad...or the money ...or some other guy ....She honestly dosent see herself with you.... and the excuse is as lame as “I did my homework but forgot the notebook at home.”

2) Shake hands- You tell its your parents or your age or caste and he says its his career , his mom, family ... and ultimately you convince yourself that its the so called “MUTUAL BREAK UP” and tell the world “ohh ! don’t call it a break up “ the devil inside you shouts “yesssss!!!!”. Both of you were smart enough to realize ...ITS TIME.

3) A friend in need is a friend indeed – She keeps weeping on her way home ...keeps fighting on the phone...her friends tell her “ohh hes a dog ...why don’t you dump him” But no! Shes sacrificing because she wants this to work.....But one day..... She says “its over...i cant take this anymore.” Behind such successful breakups there’s always a Friend ...remember the one who you used to accuse “What are you doing with him”....”ohh cumon yaar hes my friend” , yes...he’s the same guy and one day .....lala la lala lala la lala.......that friend becomes the Hero who saved you.....Really? ?

4) Santa Clause is Dead! – This break up is more of a disease which was first identified in the small towns of UP and MP where one sided lovers made the girl everyone’s bhabi and when she gets involved with some other guy, it was termed as a “breakup” when technically its not. But even this type of break up has evolved with time where the dumper is just sleeping around/taking financial help/watching a movie with you and the dumpee believes that they are in a relationship. Santa cannot die because there is no Santa bitch!

5) Press Conference - Its the most interesting form of break up where the two parties start washing their dirty linen in public. Eg. Confronting the dumper with a lot of people around on phone/road/college/office .....”saaaliiii tu mujhe chodegeiii”...or “kuttey ..hawas k pujaarii..” and many more such opening speeches, its just so much fun.

6) Not-so-Break up – You don’t see any future in the relationship and you don’t want to be tagged as Dumpees girl/boy friend so you dump them but now you give them the “I still love you” candy, for reasons like you miss sleeping with them, you have no one to go to a movie with , you are getting bored, you hate the fact that they are with a new person now and the list of reasons goes on... but technically, it is a break up but its not a break up...ok even am confused on this one.

7) WHATTTT!!!! – The type of break up in which dumpee gets to know that they are dumped and is in a stage of shock and disbelief as they thought things were fine. The exact reason of this type of break up has not been identified but researchers are still working on it. Eg. Beep beep! Beep beep! (sms) Its over between you and me.....WHATTTT!



Stages of a Break up

1. Dissatisfaction – one or both partners grow dissatisfied with the relationship
2. Exposure – both partners mutually become aware of the problems in the relationship
3. Negotiation – both partners attempt to negotiate a solution to problems
4. Resolution and transformation – both partners apply the yield of their negotiation
5. Termination – proposed resolution fails to rectify issues and no further solutions are accepted or applied

When should you know you are going to get dumped –

1) Dumper talks to their “mom” a lot on phone.
2) Dumper has brought a new topic for conversation and its a “person”
3) Dumper is hanging out with friends they never liked so much.
4) Dumper turns philosophical.
5) Dumper suddenly changes their view about you and thinks they are smarter than you.
6) Dumper starts talking about how the people around don’t like you so much.
7) Dumper needs space
8) Dumper wants to discuss “stuff” with you when the time is right.

The Showboy

Green Room, I wonder why they call it the green room, they should rather call it the ‘Dark room’ or may be the ‘Black room’, everything over there is so dark and blank, you can hear your sweat drop on the floor and as you move towards the curtain you can hear the roars of the people behind it, makes your heart pump harder than ever, and when you step up that stage, the volume is turned down like the television is on the ‘mute’ mode. All you can see and feel is that flash light just in front of you and the silence, you don’t want this silence to remain for long. I don’t know why I do this? Maybe I am addicted to a part of it.

It was 1996 , I was in fourth standard, when I first got the courage to step on that stage as all my friends thought it was exciting, I didn’t wanted to look bad in front of them, I went for the auditions and got rejected, I cried all day, the next day my mom came to school, she said she was there to pay the fees. I knew she had come to request the faculty to keep me, she always wanted that unlike her I should get all the opportunities to be on the stage. I got in. Now whenever she is there at my show, She comes out proud with all her friends telling her “Bahenji aapka beta toh Hero hai Hero” (Sister! Your son should be an actor), and she is all smiles. May be I do it for her, or maybe not.

It was my first year of college and I was enjoying my college fest, and the music stopped! Walking the aisle came a thin boy in a shiny outfit showing off his moves, and trust me at that moment everyone bowed down to him. Later, we became friends and he taught me a lesson, “scholars, writers, toppers etc never get a girl, there is something special about a stage artist.” And he was right. You can hear the most random question from everyone “Are you the guy who did that show that day?” and you reply with a pause and a smirk “YES!” and boom! She is yours. Suddenly your presence is felt, your opinion starts making sense, even when you are not a scholar. People start believing in what u say, people have nothing to do with the medals and the trophies you get but u still become their Hero. The small college politicians start getting friendly with you so that they can stand with you and make a clean image out of it. College becomes easy for you .. but is this why I chose this ??...... May be not!
Years later, I saw a girl sitting disinterested in the rehearsal hall, she was pretty so as always I was flaunting my moves, She still remained unaffected, I went to her as she was my dance partner. I introduced myself and asked “nervous?” as if I was a big star and she replied “I do folk, I am not into bollywood”, I took the opportunity and said “Well I need to know bollywood, as I am going to be an actor soon.” She still wasn’t impressed, and we went on talking about dance, plays, shows, movies for hours and this became a routine every day, every time I performed I tried to impres her, she wasn’t into drama but yes she was a better dancer than me. For the records, I dated that girl, and it was amazing, may be these shows kept us connected. Now I am not with her but I always think that ‘arts’ will be the one common thing between my partner and me. But am I doing it for the ‘Girl of my life”..... I don’t think so.

I recently took up professional theatre as I planned to be an actor and also make some extra money out of my talent as I was too charged up by hearing “bhai tu yahan kya kar raha hai Mumbai ja Mumbai!” (You should go Mumbai to become an actor). As I went there and met the people whom I was to work with, they were businessmen, teachers, a handicap boy, a middle age man who is on the verge of divorce, a call centre executive, and these people were actors better than those that we see on screen, these people are regular people with regular lives, they do accounts, take care of kids, go to work and have a parallel life when they are on that stage. All this reminded me of things which I kept ignoring in this journey. A classmate who was a singer with issues with his father, financial issues, academic issues and every damn issue (you name it, he has it), he used to cry at nights but one thing which could make his life better was that one good Show, the other friend who is still trying to make a mark in the industry, started taking up offers to perform at Wedding parties so that he could collect money for his Folio, the cost of living in Mumbai is high and there is nothing else he is good at. I don’t even know if I would ever see him on screen or may be dancing at a party behind a star as a background dancer.

There I got my answer, people like us are not born with a talent so that we can sell it, we do it because it pleases us, it’s not the money, the fame, the women or any such thing, but the satisfaction that makes us do it, directly or indirectly our whole life is related to that stage. And then I realized “I didn’t pick the Show, the Show picked me!”. Maybe people like me would never win an Oscar, get in movies or television or get a national award for performing arts but I want to take this opportunity to tell a layman, we didn’t opt it for all this, we do it because we love it. So next time you meet a performer, don’t forget to ask his story.

Single All The Way

I was 18 when I first was in a relationship till last year, so its been almost 5 years, ok! I know there were different girls in these five years so am not the right person to talk about being in a relationship but I have just completed a year being single, and trust me it has been awesome and yes I am qualified enough to talk about Singlehood as I am no fat, specs wearing, burger eating geek with acne issues who says “hey I’m happy being single!” when the truth is ,he doesn’t have an option. So I will tell you why you need or should be Single. I have nothing against ‘love’, in fact I like people who are in love. But Love and Relationship are two completely different things. Love is a dream and relationship is the reality , like a person might have a dream company like Microsoft, and when you dream of it you only imagine the big building, long cars, houses, the respect etc., do you ever dream of the work load, peer pressure, fear of unemployment, under performance etc.? No! You don’t , because that is the reality and similarly those magical moments of love is a dream and when you are in a relationship you get a Reality Check. Thats why they call it Customer RELATIONSHIP management and not Customer LOVE management because its different.

So I came up with this research paper out of my own experiences to present you the most important reasons why being Single rocks and being in a relationship sucks (Big time).

Relationship Sucks –

1) Anti boys nights - The worst part comes first, its the Boys night spoiler, like you are in the middle of this cricket game or a guy movie like Men of honour or Die hard or X- Men all heated up and you are swearing your throats out Maa @!@$ Bahen#$#% all over the place and then suddenly the phone rings and then not just you but everyone else have to shut up because Mr. Sugar muffin has to talk to his Ms. Pretty Tweety and the rest of the guys sit and stare as they play toy factory on phone, Spoiling a guys night is like disrespecting a religion.

2) Cry baby effect- What we forget in a relationship is that we are men, we are born tough, yes we fight, but we fight other men and not your own girl friend tough guys! And the finishing hold in such fights is...... the one who cries more wins!! Come on! Dont make that face you ‘Into a relation’ person I know you are reading this, you cry! that to all night, please I beg you for the sake of your roomie, you kill him!, God ! I have been stuck in such cross border issues where my roomie has cried all night and it made me puke, yes!!, twice!!. And the worst part is that they are ok the next morning like it was a routine exercise.

3) East India Effect- Remember how the British realized that India was a beautiful country and they decided to destroy it. Similarly in a relationship, a person discovers how good you are and then takes away everything that was good in you, My friend was an excellent performer but he stopped performing because his girl friend didn’t liked him on public display and he should rather concentrate on his career rather getting involved in stupid stuff like ‘performing’ which was supposed to be his passion (Its our passion woman). Even the guys aint behind, one of my female friend has a personality alteration every time she dates a guy because she wants to be his ‘perfect girl’ I don’t think she remembers how she actually was.

4) Possessiveness Or Ownership- I understand that when you love someone you are possessive about him/her but when in a relation you try to own the person, my girl friend used to get pissed off just because I used to say “kareena is the sexiest woman in the world” or may be I used to feel bad if she said “oh that guy has got a real attitude” and I am like “hey you want to see attitude!” I mean we don’t realize that when two people are dating that doesn’t make them the best in the world, isn’t it enough that we connect mentally.

5) The ‘F’ Word- Ok don’t get me wrong am talking about the other ‘F’ word which is far more disturbing, yes..... the FUTURE!!!, people are so bored living their present that they start discussing their future, like the house that they are going to have even before they graduate, yes everything is decided the locality, the colour, the car they are going to buy and in certain extreme but recurring cases the name of their unborn children.

Single rocks-

1) Today Mail- When you are single today is just today, its not 27^th December or 12^th June or 4^th January, I mean your days are not divided into Anniversaries like first kiss, first date, first movie, monthly anniversary , other firsts (my family reads this blog so please)

2) The Science of Singlehood- See am not that good with math but my statistics say that your good looks is directly proportionate to your attractiveness which is directly proportionate to your availability and Availability = Not in a relationship. So single people always look extra good.

3) Being YOU- You know what is the synonym of Single, its solo, its being you on your own, its being awesome (ok I just made the last one up), the first thing I did after my breakup was to get a hair cut, I know it was weird but then I did it because I wanted to do it, Simple!. You can wear whatever you want, eat whatever you want(non vegetarians with ex- vegetarian partners would have got a smile already.) in short do whatever you want to.

4) Avoid Ageing- do you know why Salman khan still looks sexy at this age ? ... Because he doesn’t sticks to a relation, even Sanjay Dutt used to be sexy until he he got MARRIED (ohh am about to puke!). Yes and now look at him, shell of a man. I wasn’t sure about this theory after watching Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt as they look so good, so young even after being in a relationship but then recently heard that they are breaking up, YES!! LHS screws RHS so Hence Proved.

5) Hocus Focus- No, its not a magical spell but rather a key to success, if you can just analyze your best days or should I say most successful years are the ones when you have been single because being single allows you to focus on what you want in life, you can do stuff you always wanted to which you wouldn’t be able to until unless your partners want to do it too (that’s rare). Like you can paint, you can dance, run a NGO, join politics and lot more because you have a lot of time to think about what you want to do and actually do it.

DISCLAIMER –

This paper is not written to encourage break ups and singlehood in order to get the guys out of the competition list and to keep the girls in the available list for the writer ....... or may be it is ;)

Jats the way!!!!

Well there are many things which make me special and distinct and one of them is I am a JAAT.
Yes i belong to that specie. I used the word specie because of two reasons, first that the caste is distinct, although Jaats are originated from the Asian part of the world but this caste prevails in three religions i.e. Hindus, Muslims and the Sikhs. The manner of pronouncing this caste may change but the characteristics are almost similar and so fascinating that one should write a research paper on it, so i am just making an effort and only i can do it, not because i am a jaat and i know the specie better but for the reason that only i being a fellow-jaat can write and survive.
The second reason why i called jaats a specie is that man is a social animal, and in our case if a man is a jaat he is an anti-social animal. Yeah i mean we are born hardcore, we always like that rough look, the brutality can be experienced when if you are in a jaat dominated area like U.P , Delhi, Haryana and Rajasthan (God! We are everywhere) and you are riding on the road and you see a biker passing by, he looks at you, you look at him to find out what is he looking at you for, he stops you and says “tu mane dekh reha say?” which means “you are looking at me?” and you don’t want to know what happens next. Another example is the world famous one, you go to a jaat and politely ask him “sir!! Aapko thodi takleef de sakta hun?” and the most obvious reply from a jaat playing with his moustaches will be “Beta de ke do dekh!!”. We even have a community on jaats on orkut by the name JAT WORLD, i obviously joined it and guess what were the intellect polls and forums present there ........ ” Who is a jaats biggest enemy”....options a)Sindhi b)Thakur c)Punjabi d)Bihari.......i was shocked, i mean why would we fight them and why would they fight us. And is it written in Ramayana or some other granth that we have a certain enemy.
Another myth about the jaats is they are insensitive, that is wrong, we are very emotional people , yeah i can tell you that with my own experience, in my village a family had a big fight with another family , on the day of holi the people from the other family shot one of the man from the jaat family. People from the jaat family did nothing. Now comes the emotional part, they shot the whole family, next year on the same day of holi, yes i mean this is emotions personified, they were so emotionally attached to the day, and who said emotions are always good, but they are emotional.
There is another myth which is rather insulting to our community is that Jaats are very clever and cunning, this is the most insulting thing that i have heard i mean we are a dumb race of people, haven’t you heard the saying “solah duni aath wo hai jaat ”......which means according to a jaat sixteen multiplied by two gives eight, we are slow, believe me, have you in your whole life had a jaat boy or girl be the topper of your class...NO.....you can never see that, and we feel proud of it, my uncle Chaudhary used to gift a bike to every kid in the house who used to clear tenth grade after flunking once and the prize was not for clearing, it was for flunking. Now you must be confused that how do we go to colleges and complete higher studies? The answer is we keep the economy rolling, we donate.....for the upliftment of the colleges and i don’t think that is bad, another question in your mind....where do we get the money from? And the answer is CHAUDHARY TRANSPORT....this doesn’t belong to a single person, every jaat keeps this name and no one charges the other for copyright, thats brotherhood for you.
Talking of brotherhood, i must admit we aint that aggressive, infact we love people .......but the condition is the person a jaat guy would love would either be a hot girl or another jaat. I mean we love our race i’ll tell you another incident when one of my jaat brother rushed into the library looking for someone and i asked him why is he here and he said he was looking for a guy who eve-teased his girl friend, i being a loyal jaat brother joined him and charged towards the guy in his classroom, we were so fearless or dumb i should say that we called the whole gang out and as the two parties started heating up they realized that they belong to the same community, yes even the eve-teaser was a jaat (we should have known) and then met Ram and Bharat, they hugged each other and apologized to each other. There goes our award for being a good boy friend.
Now the most important question, how do you recognize a jaat......well its easy, a jaat by built is very strong, specially his back, his back is so broad as if his ancestors weren’t monkeys but horses. They wear very tight fitting clothes, body hugging, extremely tight, usually they have a good body naturally as if they were working out even before they were born. They prefer keeping very short hair and moustaches, the young ones like me can afford to be clean shaven and have long hair but as you get older you need to buy a DUNALI of your own that you can carry along with you to make people envy you as if every person around doesn’t dream of a Ferrari but a dunalli. They have messages written behind their bike/cars for eg. “JAAT BLOOD”, “JAAT BOY”, “ROYAL JAT” ,”JAT RISKY AFTER WHISKEY” and there is a new version of it in town now which is extreme of their creativity “JAAT RISKY WITHOUT WHISKY”. They sport it behind their rides, don’t know why may be they expect the signals to go green when the traffic guy sees the tag of a jaat on the ride or may be all the other cars and bikes start clearing up the road and make way for the ride. We can think of anything, remember we are a smart community.
But no matter what i am proud to be a jaat, i love the brotherhood and the will to die for the fellow mate in me, the fearlessness, the stubbornness to do something which people think cannot be done, the dumbness of never counting the odds in front of you, the pride one takes of his individuality and not turning into a wanna-be.
Yes i am proud of everything and i have planned to buy a HONDA CRV soon but i wont disappoint as i’ll get “JAAT BLOOD PRINCE” written on the back of it or may be even get a tattoo done which says the same.

DONT TRY THIS.........ANYWHERE

I am just back from a wedding and there i could see my cousins using shitty pick up lines with the girls present there and trust me they sucked at it badly......well i seriously don’t believe in the effectiveness of a pick-up line....if you would have asked me anything on getting a girl with a pick-up in my teenage i would have given you an flabbergasted look because i never believed i could ever get it right.
Well it wasn’t because of lack of confidence but rather a disheartening incident which took place when i was in my first year of graduation that i lost faith in such lines. It was some college dj party where my best friend pointed me a girl who he claimed to be an easy catch and like any other first year guy who desperately needed to get his first girl friend started thinking on making a move. From all the researches that i did throughout my life i thought i would stick to a decent line and just moved to her and said “SHOULD WE DANCE?”......i know what you are thinking, yeah she thought the same and said “NO!!” with a weird expression as if she ate a mosquito with her sandwich.
That was bad, and trust me people still come up with such pick-ups, i believe the inspiration behind these are the movies, remember how James Bond used to reach out to a girl with a good pick-up and the next shot is you see the girl making out with him. Well newsflash that was just a movie and even Daniel Craig wont try that line himself.
But as i said people do that, i have heard guys saying “ hey couldn’t resist coming to you but its not my fault i think its just the way you look.”........I mean blame the girl that you were born ugly c’mon and the most famous one “your place or....mine?” ...easy Casanova i think no girl would be so lame to answer that and if she does she is perfect for you, marry her and help the lame specie extend their generation, heard this one at Mc Donald’s and i am not making this up “hey, what are you doing here, the beauty pageant is in the next lane.” And the girl replied “what are you doing here? the mental check up camp is in the other part of the city.”
But all my life i haven’t seen anyone who used to use silly pick-ups with every girl and people who have studied with me in my college knows that its true, the name of the guy is Rahul (i know its the silliest bollywood name anyone can have, apologies to all the Rahuls reading this but guys you need to change your name Sharukh ruined your life forever), he is a rich, plump, Rishi Kapoor in his early days kind of a guy , it wasn’t that he used to hit girls that pissed everyone off but his problem was he used to hit every girl..i mean every girl......he comes to college , sits in the cafeteria and then begins the stalking... he keeps looking at a girl for so long that it gives the girl rashes.....and then the final pick-up line “heyyy baby” (with a wink) “i am Rahul and your name is .....( he hears the name and comes the 1 billon times used one) hey thats a nice name “ the reason for such reaction would be that he saw Kuch Kuch hota hai more than a thousand times and got obsessed with it.
What i have always done is just portrayed what and who i really am.....i have met the girl for the first time and said “kya haal?” or may be “kya baat hai?!!” or a funny line the one i saw in a commercial “ganne de khet vich tamatar kittho” and trust me it worked because i never faked it. Its not a universally accepted line but yes it worked for me and if you are sophisticated even a warm HELLO would do, a Punjabi not so flamboyant friend used to say the same line to every girl “KIDDAN??” and trust me people liked it because it showed the true him.
But there is one good thing about these pick-up lines, that is you can laugh about them later on. So if you have tried a pick-up line which may have worked or not or may have got a line from someone do let me know.

INTERNET PERSONALITY

Internet let people live their dreams.....hmm very true and specially in context to the various social networks.
Do you have a person named ‘DEATH CHASER’ or ‘BLACK KNIGHT’ or ‘LOVE BIRD’ or maybe ‘DARKNESS QUEEN’ and many more like them in your friend list. Yes they are not real people but their projected self , what they want to be but cannot be, they have fancy profiles which say things like “ can die for my friends” when they don’t actually have many friends, minus the ones they have virtually. And names like “RAVI no tym fo love” , “DUSHYANT playboy unleashed” , “SAURABH no affairs only love” and many more such names, well usually these people are the ones who have never been able to get a girl in their whole life , interpreted the ignorance towards them by the girl they love as her betrayal and what not, in short king of their own world. ok don’t blame the guys even the girls are not far behind, the profiles are full of attitude like the about me section says “guys plz don add me as i don wanna ignore u cz am bizzy like hell n don waste ma tym “........”i walk in rain so that no one can see me cryin”......”waitin fo ma knight in d shinnin armour.”......and blah blah blah blah bull shit everywhere, i swear the whole profile looks like an object of research, i mean if you don’t want to add a person either don’t make an account or just click the button reject for the request why write stuff to project that people are sending me friend requests in capital letters, many of these women are the ones who don’t get much attention in their social environment so they put a display picture which attracts few other losers, get attention and fulfil their dream of being a celebrity yeaaah yippie.....so nice. Many of them are the ones who are not allowed to step out of their houses so they project that they don’t like going out and are choosey in making friends.
Now comes the part which is a stunner, usually every one on orkut and facebook are U.K return, i mean the lingo that they use is out of the world, am not talking of short forms like lol, rofl, brb etc but words like “kinda, ma phone, ma frnds, wanna”.......many more, the problem is not the usage of such words, the problem comes when you meet such people because they don’t actually pronounce the words as they write, there is no “ma phone” when they talk......like one of my acquaintance RAM DAYAL SINGH has a profile by the name RDX and a display picture of Kurt Cobain when the only rock song he has ever heard is “In the end”, he used to chat with a girl named “DIA still waitin fo my love” with a display picture of Avril, but the good news was when they met, both of them were of the same type.
People like them have pictures of them in their album in a look they have never sported in real life, like the only done once spiked hair clicked by their own hands. They spend hours in communities with people they don’t know and they havnt met fighting on pointless issues on stupid threads.
I believe the world was never enough, our lives were never enough.......so we made a world of our own.....a life of our own.
I better open my orkut account now and change my name from ADITYA SINGH VERMA to ASV the son of cupid. Be ready to receive my friend request.....”want to hav fraandship wid u”.